By Ava Tramer

Beaches:
Clear and warm
Highs: Lows: 48-53

Inland
Hot and clear
Highs: 69-77; Lows: 42-48

Deserts
Sunny and hot
Highs: 74-80; Lows: 53-56

And Santa Monica…
INT. NEWS ROOM, evening broadcast
ELIZABETH ANCHOR:  Thank you, Patti.  Well, we certainly hope those puppies learn to do the Charleston, too!
JOHNNY MOOTH: (chuckling)  How adorable.
ELIZABETH ANCHOR:  Now, for the weather – what will this week hold in store?  Sunny Skyes?
SUNNY SKYES: Thank you, Elizabeth.  Hey, did I ever tell you about how I taught my darling Chihuahua to do the Twist?
JOHNNY MOOTH: No one cares, Sunny.
SUNNY SKYES: (sighing)  Good evening, folks.  This week holds lots of sun and moderate temperatures.  Back to you, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH ANCHOR:  What?  That’s it?
JOHNNY MOOTH:  Show us a map or something.
SUNNY SKYES:  Fine.  (gesturing to map)  If you look at this map, you’ll see lots of sun icons all over the southland.  Back to you, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH ANCHOR: Seriously?
JOHNNY MOOTH: Boooooorrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggggg.
SUNNY SKYES: I’m not going to just lie and make things up.  I’m not going to invent some tornado or snow storm or something stupid like that.  I have integrity.  (coughing)  Unlike you.
JOHNNY MOOTH:  And this just in!  Breaking news:  A tornado is heading to Southern California!
ELIZABETH ANCHOR:  How will this affect your morning commute?  More after the break.

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Mostly sunny
Highs: 60-72; Lows: 54-58

Inland
Clear and warm
Highs: 69-83; Lows: 49-53

Deserts
Hot and sunny
Highs: 79-88; Lows: 59-61

And Santa Monica…
Grandpa Joe sits huddled around the fire with his grandson Timmy.  Grandpa Joe shines a flashlight on his chin for maximum scariness.
Grandpa Joe: It was a dark and stormy night.  The wind –
Timmy: Grandpa Joe, what’s a stormy night?
Grandpa Joe: You mean you don’t know?
Timmy shakes his head.
Grandpa Joe: Well, child, it’s when the wind blows, and the rain comes down real hard, and everything is verrrrry scary.  Got it?
Timmy nods.
Grandpa Joe:  It was a dark and stormy night.  The wind howled, and all around the town, dark figures were seen scurrying around –
Timmy: Grandpa Joe?
Grandpa Joe: Yes Timmy?
Timmy: What’s rain?
Grandpa Joe: Oh child.  It’s like when you take a shower, except the water comes from the sky.
Timmy: Ok Grandpa Joe.
Grandpa Joe:  All around the town, dark figures were seen scurrying around.  They all wore hoods, and from underneath the dark hoods, came puffs of red –
Timmy:  Grandpa Joe?
Grandpa Joe: Yes Timmy?
Timmy:  Can I have a piece of my Halloween candy?
Grandpa Joe:  Ok Timmy.  Just one.
Timmy reaches into his trick-or-treat bag and pulls out a candy.
Timmy:  Mounds bar?  Ewww!
He puts the Mounds bar back and pulls out some Smarties.
Timmy:  Ok Grandpa Joe, I got some Smarties.  Do you want one?
Grandpa Joe: No, Timmy.  Will you listen now?
Timmy:  Ok Grandpa Joe.
Grandpa Joe:  From underneath their dark hoods came puffs of red smoke.  All of a sudden, a flash of lightning lit up the dark sky, revealing –
Timmy:  Grandpa Joe, what’s lightning?
Grandpa Joe:  Ok, this is just ridiculous.  I’m just trying to tell you a simple scary story.  This is the last time I ever come visit in Santa Monica for Halloween.  Ridiculous.
Timmy: Grandpa, I love you.  I love when you visit from Minnesota.
Grandpa Joe:  Hmph.
Timmy:  Can we go play at the beach tomorrow in the sun?
Grandpa Joe:  Ok Timmy, whatever you want.  It’s bedtime now.  No more story for tonight.
Timmy:  Do I have to brush my teeth?
Grandpa Joe:  No, just go to bed.
Timmy:  Goodnight, Grandpa Joe.
Grandpa Joe:  Goodnight, Timmy.
Grandpa Joe turns out his flashlight, and pauses at the doorway of Timmy’s bedroom.
Grandpa Joe:  Timmy?  What’s that “sun” thing that you mentioned?

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Mostly sunny and cooling
Highs: 63-76; Lows: 53-61

Inland
Mostly clear
Highs: 80-92; Lows: 49-58

Deserts
Hot and mostly sunny
Highs: 88-100; Lows: 61-76

And Santa Monica…
It is with the utmost pride and joy that we announce to you the birth of our darling daughter, Autumn.
Autumn Marie Jolie Seasons

Date of Birth: Saturday, October 16, 2010
Temperature: 65 degrees Fahrenheit
Weight: 85,000 people
Location: Santa Monica, California

She joins her proud older sister, Summer Claire, and her loving parents, Mother Nature and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Santa Monicans for Renters’ Rights (SMRR) representatives have held all or a majority of the seats on the City   Council, the Santa Monica – Malibu Unified School District board of education, Santa Monica College board of trustees and Rent Control Board for more than two decades. SMRR claims it has “thousands” of members. Less than 300 attended the SMRR convention in August to endorse (see “Who’s Running the City?”)

Its first mailer arrived in our mailboxes last week. It’s a quiz.
SMRR: Why do you love Santa Monica?  Is it the human scale residential neighborhoods?  Well, Santa Monicans for Renters’ Rights gives residents the powerful political voice to take on the big developers – and win.

DISPATCH: We love the gloriously idiosyncratic beach town that was here before SMRR.  We don’t love SMRR’s “regional commercial hub” and its inhuman scale traffic congestion. SMRR does NOT give residents a “powerful political voice,” the Constitution does. In 2008, residents took on the “big developers” with a ballot measure that would limit commercial growth, but SMRR collaborated with the developers to defeat the measure, and us.
.
SMRR: How about our award-winning schools? SMRR took the lead in providing millions in annual funding to protect our schools from devastating state budget cuts.

DISPATCH: In fact, the SMRR Council majority opposed allocating the funds to the schools until Community for Excellent Public Schools (CEPS) threatened to put it on the ballot and let the voters decide. Only then did the

SMRRs agree to make the allocation,  but not before SMRR Councilwoman Pam O’Connor called the CEPS delegation “schoolyard bullies.”

SMRR: Outstanding social services, great parks and path-breaking environmental policies?  That’s SMRR again.

DISPATCH: Talented, dedicated staff members deserve the credit for the outstanding social services.  The parks are good, not great, but there aren’t enough of  them, and we don’t need two new parks in the Civic Center. “Path-breaking environmental policies” may make good copy, but they haven’t ended the traffic crisis or beach and ocean pollution.

SMRR: Our   fierce commitment to affordable housing and renters’ rights?  SMRR,  of course.

DISPATCH: If, early   on,   the SMRR Council majority had allocated sufficient funds to buy  existing apartment buildings, irreplaceable housing stock,    renters’ rights and homes and  the town’s  unique character would have been preserved. But it didn’t, and countless apartments have been demolished, and replaced by
Oversized pretentious “luxury condos,” and the City has spent millions on soulless “affordable housing.”

SMRR: SMRR is one of the main reasons Santa Monica is so special…a grassroots organization of thousands of   concerned residents joining together to protect our  community and our neighborhoods .Because of SMRR, the people of Santa Monica control our city government.

DISPATCH:.No! Five generations of residents – remarkable and ordinary, its location on the ocean, that holy   bounce of light that illuminates everything, the oceanic air, the goofy palm trees are a few of the things that make Santa Monica “special.” SMRR  persists in getting it backwards. SMRR has not given us control of city government. We the people have elected a handful  of  SMRRs to represent us, but, in recent years, they have not represented us. They call themselves “policy-makers” now, and the principal policy seems to be MORE.

SMRR: SMRR means that dedicated activists can run for local office – and defeat well-funded candidates backed by the real estate lobby.

DISPATCH: As Hemingway  said, in a wholly different context, “Wouldn’t it be nice to think so?”  In  2008. four  Council members ran for re-election. Two were   SMRRs, Richard Bloom and Ken Genser, both of   whom opposed Prop T and  were backed by developers. Two independent “dedicated activists,” Susan Hartley and Ted Winterer, were also on the ballot. They both supported Prop T.  Neither sought  nor got developer backing.   Bloom and Genser won. Prop T was defeated. Winterer and Hartley ran fifth and sixth, after the four incumbents. They are both on the 2010 ballot.

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Mostly sunny and cooling
Highs: 70-90; Lows: 58-65

Inland
Partly cloudy
Highs: 92-110; Lows: 58-63

Deserts
Hot with some clouds
Highs: 103-112; Lows: 72-81

And Santa Monica…

NATIONAL WEATHER CONVENTION 2010, in Boca Raton. Local representatives from all 50 states mingle, wearing professional name badges over kitschy t-shirts with bad puns about the locales they represent. We find a group of representatives in the midst of forced polite conversation:

NEW ORLEANS: …And it was just incredible, I could not believe the power of this planet. I said, “Honey, the Lord works in mysterious ways!”

METROPOLITAN NEW YORK: I can only imagine! That sounds like the time we had tornadoes touching down all over the city. My neighbor’s car was absolutely smashed! Just smashed! A tree came down –

OUTER BANKS: That reminds me…oh, sorry – were you finished?

METROPOLITAN NEW YORK (exaggeratedly polite): Oh no, you go ahead. It was nothing.

OUTER BANKS: No, I apologize. Do continue.

METROPOLITAN NEW YORK: Oh it was nothing, just extreme gale force winds knocked down our neighborhood’s oldest oak tree onto my neighbor’s car. Please, do go ahead.

OUTER BANKS: Well this all just reminds me of the recent hurrica-

SANTA MONICA and SAN DIEGO join the group.

SAN DIEGO: Oh hey guys! How’s it going?
The group offers polite but terse hellos.

SAN DIEGO: You remember my wife from Santa Monica.

SANTA MONICA nods and gives a small wave.

SAN DIEGO: So, what’s the latest? Oh, honey, why don’t you tell them about what’s been going on for you lately?

SANTA MONICA: Oh, no, I don’t think they want to hear.

SAN DIEGO: Oh go ahead. You should be proud! (To the others, chuckling proudly) She’s so adorably modest sometimes!

SANTA MONICA: Oh, well, it’s been so uncharacteristically hot lately, but things should be returning to normal, soon. I think it’ll be in the 70s and mostly sunny, if I had to guess.
The group offers polite sounds: That’s nice. I see. How lovely.

SAN DIEGO: Well, we just wanted to stop by and say hi! See you guys later.

SANTA MONICA: It was nice meeting you!

SAN DIEGO and SANTA MONICA head off to the refreshment table.

METROPOLITAN NEW YORK: Ugh, what a trophy wife.
The group nods in agreement. OUTER BANKS mimes throwing up.

OUTER BANKS: So, as I was saying -

METROPOLITAN NEW YORK: I need a drink. You guys want anything?

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Mostly sunny
Highs: 62-67; Lows: 54-57

Inland
Clear and sunny
Highs: 84-95; Lows: 54-56

Deserts
Hot and clear
Highs: 98-109; Lows: 68-74

And Santa Monica…
Angle on SUN SHINE, 17, focusing intently on a college application. We FOLLOW his pen as he fills out the COMMON APPLICATION.
“Common Application for the Class of 2015
Name: Sun Shine
Hometown: Santa Monica, CA
GPA: 3.54
Intended college major/s: Meterology, Musical Theater
Extracurricular Activities: Shining”
The PEN stops writing. Angle on: SUN, as his brow furrows. He scratches behind his ear with the pen. He begins to write more:
“Making people happy. Burning people. Making things grow.”
SUN pauses, and then adds one last activity:
“Community service.”
SUN throws the pen into the wastebasket.
SUN (shouting): Mom, I’m finished.
MOTHER NATURE (off-screen): The essays too?
SUN (shouting): No, I’ll do that later.
MOTHER NATURE(off-screen, voice growing closer): Have you at least thought about what you’re going to write?
SUN (shouting): I’m going to write about shining, that’s like all I ever do anyways.
MOTHER NATURE (poking her head into Sun’s room): Ok honey, that could work, but just make sure you make it sound interesting. Because my first thought is that sounds like kind of a boring essay.
SUN: Mommmm, aren’t you supposed to support me?
CLOUDS (whiny and whimpery, off-screen): Mommmm I think I had another accident!
SUN: What a baby. He’s 12! When’s he going to learn to stop wetting everything?
MOTHER NATURE (rushing out of Sun’s room): Maybe you could write an essay about how supportive you are of your siblings!
SUN (groaning): Mommmmmmmmmm!!!!

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Partly cloudy
Highs: 61-66; Lows: 54-58

Inland
Mostly sunny
Highs: 80-91; Lows: 52-57

Deserts
Clear and hot
Highs: 90-106; Lows: 62-76

And Santa Monica…
Act I Scene 2.

Mother Nature enters her son Sun’s bedroom. She looks at him fondly, and then wistfully, remembering the time before he was an angry teenager. She opens the blinds, revealing a darkened sky.

Mother Nature: Good morning, Sunshine!

Sun: Errghhableeeehhachhhh

Mother Nature: Sweetie, it’s really time to get up now.

Sun: …..

Mother Nature: Darling, it’s 3 pm. People are kind of getting worried.

Sun: Eeehhachchhhhhhh

Mother Nature (sternly): Really, sweetie. You need to get up. Now.

Sun: I thought I didn’t have to get up until the afternoon.

Mother Nature: It is the afternoon.

Sun: Argggh fine.

Mother Nature: Cloudsy is just outside. You can take over from her as soon as you shower and brush your teeth.

Sun: I’m not showering.

Mother Nature (sensing a lost cause): Fine. Just brush your teeth.

Sun exits angrily. Mother Nature tidies up his comforter. A moment later, the sky outside the window lights up. Mother Nature smiles proudly.

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Clear and sunny
Highs: 61-85; Lows: 56-66

Inland
Mostly sunny and hot
Highs: 84-109; Lows: 56-71

Deserts
Hot
Highs: 101-117; Lows: 71-87

And Santa Monica…
The week will begin sunny and hot,
But by the weekend, hot it will be not.
Yes, it will still be nice and warm,
And true, we won’t experience a storm.
But compared with the heat of the early days this week,
The weekend’s hot air will seem truly meek!

By Ava Tramer

Beaches
Partly cloudy
Highs: 67-68; Lows: 58-62

Inland
Mostly sunny
Highs: 87-90; Lows: 58-63

Deserts
Sunny
Highs: 102-109; Lows: 73-80

And Santa Monica…
It’s going to be very blustery this week, with a definite chance of icicles, hail, and possibly even a blizzard thunderstorm.  The National Weather Service is recommending heading to the grocery store and stocking up on provisions, boarding up your windows, and making sure you have plenty of flashlights and batteries for when the power inevitably goes out.  With wind chill bringing the temperatures down into record low territory, you can expect that the city will most likely be forced to shut down for at least several days this week.

Whoa, wait a second – excuse me, my bad; those last three sentences were a typo.  That should have read: It’s going to be mostly sunny this week, with highs in the upper 60s.

Whither…Wnatever   By Ava Tramer
BeachesAM clouds, PM sunHighs: 66-69; Lows: 57-61
InlandAM clouds, PM sunHighs:72 – 87 ; Lows: 56-60
DesertsClear, sunny, and hotHighs: 101-108; Lows: 70-76
And Santa Monica…Happy summer, ladies and gentlemen!  I wish I had something more exciting to share with you, but unfortunately, it’s the same old boring weather news.  With the arrival of summer comes the traditional morning clouds and afternoon sun.  It is conducive more to sleeping in and then lazily tanning in the afternoon in your backyard or on your porch, rather than playing frisbee and swimming and having barbecues at the beach; if you want to do any of these activities, you either have to do them chillily in the morning (and who wants to go swimming under cold cloud cover?), or only do them for half the day once the sun comes out, and that doesn’t really feel like summer, now does it?  So I guess the moral is, wait for the fall, when it’s hot and then summer will feel like it’s here!